that day I went to the post office
even though I didn’t want to
but I still did
but then lovingly too
and picked up your parcel
and got ciabattas on the way back
for lunch
because you liked ciabattas
and you were so happy
and said you loved me

I often think of that day
to remind myself
that in our own funny little way
we really loved each other

and also
because it would be our last day together


Note to my 4am half-awake worrying self

Don’t worry about things that could get difficult
Of course things will get difficult โ”€ things always get difficult โ”€ but know you are much stronger than you think

Don’t worry about loneliness
Remember there are people out there you will have something to give to

Don’t worry about the future being a pad full of blank pages
Focus instead on what pen you will use to write in it

Don’t worry about what people think
People don’t think as much as they should and sometimes that is a good thing

Don’t worry

Have faith




When the you-shaped hole in the universe
Had ceased to exist
All that was left was a you-shaped hole in the earth
For your coffin to be lowered into


Maybe because it was all a bit unexpected
This changing of holes
Or maybe because you were never one to fit easily
Into holes shaped for you



Do you miss things, now that you have been dead for more than a year?

Do you miss checking if the teddy bears are alright before going to sleep?

Do you miss the cat running to the door when you come home?

Do you miss knitting the scarf that you never finished?

Do you miss eating the grape harvest from the garden?

Do you miss the Friday visits to the local restaurant?

Do you miss clean sheets and pyjamas on Saturday night?

Do you miss pancakes on Sunday morning?

Do you miss sitting in the hammock chair?

Do you miss reading Rilke?

Do you miss random hugs?

Do you miss arguing?

Do you miss making up?

Do you miss the future that never was to be?

Do you miss being you?

Do you miss me?